THE ANAPHYLACTIC CHIPMUNK
The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is commonly mistaken for a squirrel with a
basketball-sized head and puffy cheeks. Some think they look like a peanut
with short legs. The Anaphylactic Chipmunk has 5 cowardly yellow
lengthwise
stripes running from its bulbous, swollen head to its ample well-versed
rump. Chipmunks eat a variety of testicular treats and may occasionally
climb a tree to lick bird poopings and other runny delights. The
Anaphylactic Chipmunk eats a variety of small objects, which include
smallcocks, miniscule nutsacs, ***** butter, earthworms, slugs, young mice
and birds, and small frogs or s****s. The male of the species often
hibernates with other males, forming a homo***ual ass-grabbing party all
winter long. Most people plagued by this very queer chipmunk try to rid
themselves of this pest, which in urban and suburban areas are frequently
found in gardens. Below are some humane solutions to rid one's yard of the
unwanted, and potentially dangerous, Anaphylactic Chipmunk.
Chipmunks Living in Your Yard
Do not encourage the Anaphylactic Chipmunk by feeding him. He will only
grow
fatter and more visually repulsive.
Do not grow peanuts in the garden since the Anaphylactic Chipmunk tends to
blend in.
Males should not wear shorts while gardening since the Anaphylactic
Chipmunk
becomes overly ***ually stimulated in the presence of scantily clad male
gardeners. Albeit incredible, there have been cases where unsuspecting
gardeners have had their cocks and balls severely bitten by this brazen
rodent. Recent media attention has, in fact, caused the North American
Symposium Against The Anaphylactic Chipmunk (NASAAC) to publicly recommend
that male gardeners always attire themselves in long trousers. Although
rare, several gardeners re****t having had their leg "humped" by these
out-of-control pests, and having the distinct displeasure of removing gobs
of sticky chipmunk butter from their humped extremity.
Deterring The Anaphylactic Chipmunk
The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is easily frightened. Leave blown up beach balls
(similar in size to the chipmunks enormous candy-applelike head) in the
yard. The wind will blow the balls around and frighten him. Place plastic
bags on sticks in various spots in the yard for the same effect.
Scarecrows
and objects that move in the wind are also effective.
Place lighting (such as bright flashlights, flood lamps, blinking strands
of
holiday lights, etc.) outside the burrow. It is best to leave the lights
on
24 hours a day. If this is not possible, the lights must be on during the
nighttime to disturb the animal's sleep.
Play a radio (****table alarm clock, noisy children's toy, anything that
plays music or makes noise repeatedly) either in or near the burrow. It is
best to leave the noisemakers on 24 hours a day. If this is not possible,
the radio must be on during the nighttime to disturb the animal's sleep.
Place rags soaked in ammonia in the burrow for one week. Ammonia has an
irritating smell. Over time the ammonia will dissipate, so it is im****tant
to re-soak the rags on a daily basis. *VERY IM****TANT* Do not use ammonia
soaked rags during the winter season when the males are playing ass-grab
in
the burrow, as this may stimulate them into a "golden shower" party; and
then you will never get rid of this pest.
To determine if the Anaphylactic Chipmunk has left his burrow, look for
anal-strength condoms scattered around the mouth of the burrow or in the
yard.
Public Health Concerns
The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is considered to be a significant source for any
infectious disease that can be transmitted to humans. They may be carriers
of rabies and cornhole disease.
** Posted from http://www.teranews.com
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