"Billy" <wildbilly@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote in message
news:wildbilly-6F5B73.23092712052008@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Tell me John, can you define hyperbole?
> Can you define implied?
> Can you define humor?
> Tell me John, do you know any good tree jokes?
Joke One: http://home.ccil.org/~treeman/nfpra/kissers.html
Joke two:
To winterize or not to winterize lawn
"Winterize your lawn", the big sign outside the garden store commanded.
I've
fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die away.
Now
I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be
the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of a thong swimsuits! We
constantly battle dandelions, Queen's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and
clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed
through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about
this:
"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on
down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
thistle
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies,
honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colors
by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
" It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great extent to kill
them and replace them with grass".
" Grass? But its so boring. Its not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, Only grubs and sod worms. Its' temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that green grass
growing there?
" Apparently so, Lord, They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poising any other plant
that
crops up in the lawn".
" The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy".
" Not exactly, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week".
" They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
" Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
" They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
" No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away".
" Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And
when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"
" Yes, sir."
" These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a
lot
of work."
" You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
" What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius,
if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide
beauty
an d shade in the summer . In the autumn they fall to the ground and form
a
natural blanket
to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as
they
rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of
life."
" You better sit down, Lord. The suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As
soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them
hauled away."
" No! What do they do to protect the shrub and the tree roots in the
winter
and keep the soil moist and loose?"
" After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call
mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in the place of leaves."
" and where do they get this mulch?"
" They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're
in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"
" Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.
" Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
--
Sincerely,
John A. Keslick, Jr.
Consulting Tree Biologist
http://home.ccil.org/~treeman
and www.treedictionary.com
Beware of so-called tree experts who do not understand tree biology.
Storms, fires, floods, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions keep reminding
us
that we are not the boss.
Some people will buy products they do not understand and not buy books
that
will give them understanding.
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